Love and Science: "Advice" from a Chronically Single Person

12:59:00 PM

Hello Fellow Bee readers!

This weeks post is not from my own knowledge, but some interesting advice I think we can all relate to! I know what you're thinking; who better to get love "advice" from than a chronically single, twenty-three year old adult child, who is still figuring out their own crap! Well here it is!

Now, most of the articles that catch my eye are usually crap articles and are more so for the entertainment purpose of me fulfilling this empty space in my chest cavity, but one particular article really caught my interest as I began to read it in full. "Lasting Relationships Come Down to Two Basic Traits". I thought to myself, "Worst that can happen? I waste a few minutes of my life."

Here's what I learned:

Love CAN be measured. A man named John Gottman has been studying healthy marriage/relationships since the 1970's! His most prominent study went down in 1986 called "The Love Lab" where they invited newlywed couples to come in and get hooked up to all the fancy electrodes and have their heart rates, blood pressure, etc. measured as they talked to one another about their own relationships, from positives to negatives. They then invited them back six years later to do it again and put the couples into two groups, the masters and the disasters. I hope you can deduce which one the unhappy couples fell into. After once again being hooked up to all the fancy equipment, they noticed two very distinct differences in the groups of couples, their physiology. Their what? I'm glad you asked! Yes! Their physiology, the "normal" function of living things. So, essentially the disasters, although they appeared calm, were ready to burst at any second, while the masters created a safe, trusting, and all encompassing space that created a more physical and emotionally comfortable place for each other.

(Source: Click Here)
Later on, the guy did yet another study by inviting 130 couples to a retreat and basically watched their everyday interactions. He began to notice how couples make requests for connection or attention. Something as simple as requesting your partner to look at something outside is considered a request for connection and the way couples respond to these types of connection requests, can apparently say a lot about how likely your relationship is to last. It really does come down to two basic traits, kindness and generosity. The masters in this scenario were the couples that took those connection requests and paid attention, they turned toward their partners and interacted and acknowledged their requests and this is what I want to focus on!

Kindness, (as stated in the article) can be thought of as a trait you either have or you don't, OR, as a muscle that needs to constantly be exercised. The masters tend to think of kindness as a muscle that needs its exercise, surprise, surprise right? They have this understanding of the emotional needs for their partner even in times of stress and frustration. The ability to step outside the direct conversation and see your partner as whole. Acknowledging the small moments of emotional need, are the ones that make or break the masters from the disasters. The hardest times to keep kindness and generosity alive in relationships is obviously during fights, but it's also the most important time to do so. Another important time to be expressive and attentive in your kindness and generosity comes in the time of shared joy. Being there for your partners good news! Don't take this lightly, always celebrate the success of your partner, sometimes it may not seem like "big news" to you, but for them it could mean the world, and your the person they want to share it with!

(Source: Click Here)
(Source: Click Here)

(Source: Click Here)
So, what can we deduce from all this science nonsense about love and relationships? Be kind. Be generous. Relationships are hard work. Don't let people convince you they should be easy. It takes effort from both people and a sincere want to keep the relationship alive and healthy. Pay attention, and acknowledge your partner as the whole person you grew to love. The small moments are really the big ones in disguise and shouldn't be ignored. Love and allowing love in return, is the greatest gift you can give yourself and remember, "I love you. It's as simple and as complicated as that."

To read the article in whole and learn in more detail what I briefly discussed above, which you should, click on the title of the article near the top of this post or click here! Let me know what you guys think about this in the comments below or on any of our social medias, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram, here at 'Ello Honey Bee!


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