Impending Doom and the Zombie Apocalypse

7:52:00 PM

The Walking Dead

Isn't it hilarious that the end of the world was supposed to be last week and somehow the "Walking Dead" will have a significant part in the major event? The Mayan calendar must have been created by the AMC network; because of course zombism is 100% possible. Good thing we were all glued to our television sets catching up on last seasons episodes so we knew how to properly protect ourselves because, after all, we wouldn't suffer from the massive explosion (that would be the massive hydrogen bomb that is the sun); we would for sure accept the possibility that animated corpses could potentially walk among us and use our intestines as floss. Gross.

OralB commercial
 Is the end of the world coming? Probably not anytime soon; Don't believe me? Before you all start euthanizing your pets, baking astronaut-freeze-dried moon pies and stocking up your bomb shelter shelves with canned goods and apocalypse survival packs from Shepard (Yes, they do exist), do me a favor and educate yourselves. What do I mean by that? Well, pick up a physics book and learn about planets in orbit, and how exactly the Mayan calendar says "the world ends" (it doesn't actually say that). When and if the world ends, it's not going to be because you didn't recycle that bottle of Aquafina after your zombie-outrun-conditioning jog. The world will eventually end a century or so from now because our ozone (by natural imminent causes) is depleting and that's what worlds do, they end.

Sparky from Frankenweenie

That being said, you don't need to gas Sparky to save his poor little soul from becoming a zombie breath mint. If you feel like you need to take some sort of precaution or trial, if you will, to see if you can survive the Zombie Apocalypse, then go out into the woods, turn off your iPhone and stay there for nine days with no toilet paper and no food and learn to wipe your ass with poison oak. If it happens (assuming we believe in this fantasy world these wackos are in) then most of us probably won't make it. We can't predict when the end is coming down to the second. Live your lives and let the shit hit the fan when it's ready to.

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